Sorting Disney Princesses into Hogwarts Houses (2/3)

It’s been a year since the launch of Disney Plus and a year since the premiere of Frozen 2. So with Disney and the Ice Queen herself on our minds, I want to dive into another round of the sorting hat with our Disney Princesses. This time we’ll have another six princesses, including one unofficial princess. If you missed the sorting of the first six, check them out here.

Ariel - Gryffindor

This month marks the thirty-first anniversary of Ariel’s adventure on dry land and since then she’s become the only Disney Princess with an on-screen child. When I went into this movie, I was thinking she’d be Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw because of her blind loyalty to Eric or her curiosity of the human world. But instead she just wanted to explore and adventure with the humans. She came off very Hermione-ish in the end, so she ended up in Gryffindor. You can meet her at Magic Kingdom in her Grotto and there’s an Ariel’s Grotto character meal you can attend at California Adventure.

Merida - Slytherin

She’s one of the few official Disney Princesses to lack a Disney Prince, despite having three suitors. Instead of being married off for political purposes and accepting her fate as a typical princess, Merida demonstrated various Slytherin traits in order to change her fate. She’s resourceful and cunning and she was determined to preserve her identity. That sounds pretty Slytherin to me. You can find her near the Princess Pavilion at Disneyland if you ever want to meet her.

Anna - Ravenclaw

Throughout Frozen and Frozen 2, Anna wasn’t your typical Ravenclaw. Her blind loyalty to Hans and Elsa could have easily placed her in Hufflepuff, but she reminded me a little too much of Luna Lovegood for that. She demonstrated individuality, creativity, wit, and wisdom throughout their adventures. In fact her wisdom was enough that Elsa felt comfortable leaving this Ravenclaw in charge of Arendelle at the end of Frozen 2. You can find her at Epcot or you can visit her at the Animation Studio at California Adventure.

Elsa - Ravenclaw

Like her sister, Queen Elsa showed herself to be a Ravenclaw. She was sharp, wise, and creative in how she defended her kingdom. And honestly she’s a classic overthinking, like plenty of Ravenclaws I know. With her ice creations in both movies, I don’t think anyone can deny her creativity either. All these things put her in Rowena’s charmed house, Ravenclaw. Like her sister, she can be found at Epcot and California Adventure.

Rapunzel - Gryffindor

She may look like a naive Hufflepuff, but the more you watch Tangled and its television show Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure, the more you’ll see her as daring, brave, adventurous, and chivalrous. Throughout all her adventures, she had to do what was right. Even if it meant believing in her lost friend Cassandra. That type of chivalrous honor is exactly what Gryffindor stands for. You can find her at the Princess Pavilion at Disneyland and at Princess Fairytale Hall in the Magic Kingdom.

Giselle - Hufflepuff

She may never be an official Disney Princess, but she’s our honorary princess for today. I was tempted to put her in Gryffindor, because of her brave and chivalrous display in saving Robert. However, her central character traits centered more around those found in Hufflepuff: loyalty (to her prince), diligence (in searching for him), and fairness (in how she treated even strangers). If there were ever a stereotypically Puff Princess, it’d be Giselle.

Only five more princesses to go. Where do you think the remaining heroines fit? And how do you feel about the princesses sorted thus far? 

5 Disney Movies that Deserve a Remake

 Here's my issue with the latest run of Disney live-action remakes: Why? At one point I'll make a scale of the remakes from best to worst, but suffice it to say I don't get why these particular movies got a remake. Beauty and the Beast: Perfect the first time. Lion King: Perfect the first time. Sleeping Beauty... Okay Malifecent just rocked so I'm fine with that, but there's a few Disney movies that could use a second try, not necessarily live action but another attempt to help some amazing ideas reach their full potential. 

5: Hunchback of Notre Dame

Fun fact 1: Victor Hugo wanted his original novel to be a big hit musical like Les Miserables, but it didn't take off that way. 

Fun fact 2: Disney made a stage musical of this film that was spectacular but sadly did not catch the public's interest like Disney's other Broadway babies. 

Fun fact 3: This is one of my favorite Disney movies, I even have a Disneyland artist drawing of Quasimodo and Funko Pops of Quasimodo and Esmeralda. 

Fun fact 4: While the book didn't turn into a huge play it did help to get Notre Dame cathedral renovated instead of the original plan to tear it down and started a revolution of saving and restoring old buildings instead of demolishing them. 

Fun fact 5: This needs to be remade so bad it hurts. 

4: Meet the Robinsons

Nobody knows about this 2007 film, and frankly seeing the slightly janky animation I don't blame them. The film has all the great Disney tropes, including a great villain, the definition of family, and an orphan gets a happy ending. This film had some parts that made my mother and I cry, something which is hard to do with our jaded Sinicism. Check this out on Disney+ and please please PLEASE pressure Disney into taking another swipe at it. 

3: Brave

A lot of people like Merida from Brave, but ask anyone what Brave was actually about and you'll get a few blank stares. The issue is that the script was rewritten after half the animation was done, so the movie has some issues. They had to do something similar to Frozen, but the rewrites came much earlier in the process so the film was far more coherent. A better script and Merida could get the film she deserves. 

2: Treasure Planet

Scriptwise I wouldn't touch much (Except the annoying robot in the third act, kill him). The live action budget for this one would be out of control, so even an animated remake would be understandable and acceptable. This was another that had a long production history but didn't get it's just due. If the heart could be preserved and the fun world even slightly replicated I would be right there to see it. 

1: Sword in the Stone

Watching this thing as an adult is a sad disappointment. The film is a weird psuedo-magical science lesson based in King Arthur's time. It's just Merlin turning Wart into animals and talking about how they live. I'd want to see something with more story, more characterizations, and just... More... movie. 

Also picture Tim Burton directing this thing and casting Johnny Depp as Merlin. 

-JOE

Disney Dungeons and Dragons

A discussion that occurs often in my house is which Dungeons and Dragons class characters from other fictions would be if brought into D&D (Don’t judge me, I bet you have weird discussions too!) So here I present a Disney based Dungeons and Dragons party featuring all the major classes from 5th Edition and why I think each character fits with each class.

Enjoy!

Barbarian-Beast

A creature made of pure rage, the Beast is a perfect fit for the barbarian. When we see him defending Belle from the wolves he goes into what can only be classified as a rage as he drops the entire pack, only to fall in the end just like a barbarian would once their temporary hit points ran out. We also see that Beast isn’t much of a fighter until he goes into said rage when he’s fighting Gaston, who gets in several cheap shots before Beast sees Belle and unleashes his furry fury on the hunter.

Bard-Ariel

I will argue that Ariel is one of the most active princesses we have, especially in the pre-Elsa world. Her defining traits include her incredible singing voice and her curiosity about the world, both of which fit perfectly with the bard’s skill list. When her voice was taken and she had to somehow convince Eric to kiss her she doesn’t miss a beat, using her exceptional charisma stat to charm him into nearly kissing her. Ariel is the bard that can get into and out of any situation.

Cleric-Baymax

My first instinct was to go with Rapunzel since she has the power to heal with magic, but clerics are more than just the healer in the back that keeps the idiot fighter from dying. Clerics can hold their own in battle as well as aid the party with buffs and heals. Baymax can do it all between his vast medical knowledge and high-flying armor, willing to keep his team safe in battle and get them healed in between.

Druid-Pocahantas

In touch with her people and her land, Pocahantas makes the perfect druid. She strives to protect the balance between her people, the settlers and the land by brokering peace through understanding and knowledge. She even casts Comprehend Languages and Speak With Plants at various times throughout the movie, and has a hoard of adorable animal companions that help her in her journey. The only thing she’s missing is Wild Shape, though I vote that turning into pastel paint during “Colors of the Wind” counts.

Fighter-Mulan

There’s an instinct to put Mulan under the monk category because of her Asian heritage and the monk’s classical leaning towards Eastern tradition, but Mulan doesn’t get the specialized training and inner focus a monk gets, she’s trained as a soldier, and is therefore a fighter. Mulan is an excellent fighter though, able to hold her own in both armor and a dress, and uses her brain to take out stronger opponents as well as her martial skills. Mulan is the one who would be on the front line, chopping through enemies without the need for magic or help.

Monk-Rafiki

Rafiki on the other hand, is a person who is not only a martial artist but in touch with his own spirituality to the point of granting him insight into the world itself. He is the spiritual leader of Pride Rock, and can use his own inner wisdom to find the answers to issues that effect his land. Plus just watch him fight off the hyenas and tell me he’s not a martial artist.

Paladin-Hercules

Gifted with strength from his godly parenthood, Hercules has one mission: to rejoin the gods of Mount Olympus. He becomes the noble knight vanquishing evil with his trusty (if obnoxious) steed Pegasus. Riding into every fight with a righteous cause and a quest to complete, he becomes the perfect paladin. On a side note he’s also a great example of how to play a lawful good character without making them obnoxious, but that’s probably a subject for another post another day.

Ranger-Merida

Merida does not get her just due as a princess. She is a fierce red head with a fiery spirit to match. As a ranger she has her trusty bow and knowledge of the wilds on her side, plus an empathy with animals around her, including her own mother at one point. Merida could outshoot any other Disney character (Including Robin Hood-Fight me) and she’s never afraid to enter a battle. You need some ranged on your team? Recruit Merida.

Rogue-Robin Hood

He may not outshoot Merida, but he is an extremely competent archer and an even better rogue. Robin Hood stole gold right out of the royal carriage before King John could notice. He then orchestrated a plan where he stole dozens of bags of gold out of John’s room while he and Hiss were sleeping. Combined with his variety of disguises and agility and he’s the quintessential rogue-just don’t let his partner kiss your hand.

Sorcerer-Elsa

Born with magic, sometimes uncontrollable, usually by conditions before birth, Elsa almost comes straight out of the Player’s Handbook. Elsa has to learn to control her powers as she learns that the more she suppresses them the more trouble they’ll cause her. The diversity of her magic gives her the range to keep your enemies on their toes, making you grateful to have her in the party. Just don’t pet her familiar without asking or you’ll get burned.

Warlock-Genie

Okay here me out because this was the hardest to find in all of Disney. Dr. Facilier, the bad guy from The Frog Princess is probably the perfect fit, but he’s also a villain and we’re building an adventuring party. In Xanathar’s Guide to Everything we get the subclass Hexblade, which binds the Warlock’s power to a weapon from the Shadowfell, so for this one we replace the weapon with Genie’s lamp and voila, a warlock. This of course will probably fly out the window in the next year when genie pacts become a thing but whatever. Either way, are you going to say no to having a being with phenomenal cosmic powers on your team?

Wizard-Merlin

This on the other hand was a no-brainer. Along with magic most of Merlin’s powers comes from his study of science and culture, and his collection of books seals this deal. Merlin is a specialist in transfiguration, turning him and Wart into a variety of animals to teach the future king lessons on life. His ultimate accomplishment is him polymorphing himself into a germ to infect Madam Mim’s dragon form, thus winning him a magic duel. That’s the move that proved that he’s a wizard extraordinaire.

What other Disney characters would you want to class?

-Joe

Victory for the people

So in case you don’t obsessively follow Disney like I do, here’s the story so far: Merida, the Oscar-winning princess from last year’s film Brave, was popular enough to be inducted into Disney’s line of princesses. Apparently being a princess in a Disney movie isn’t enough to cut it, but whatever we’ll go with it (Though a note is that Mulan is considered a Disney princess, while Pocahontas is NOT, explain that one…). Anyway, as part of her induction Disney gave the sassy tomboy with the bow a little makeover.

Fans were not happy.

Now say what you want about the film (The second act was a mess, the villain was sub-par, the magic was confusing and kind of stupid, the backgrounds looked like stuff they recycled from Tangled…) Merida was cool. She’s a no-nonsense princess who can shoot a bow like Hawkeye and her main motivation isn’t marriage. She’s a lot like Disney’s recent princesses who are in pursuit of their own goal, only unlike Repunzel and Tiana she didn’t end up with a man. I loved it! Then Disney decided to make her look older… and skinnier… and show more of her… femininity… The masses were outraged. It seemed like for every positive step Disney have taken towards showing a more diverse and colorful world they were about to take a step back and try to recreate Barbie.

Fans across the internet spoke out against this move, as moms in droves staged online protests and petitions to the House of Mouse.

And guess what?

Disney listened.

The image of the “improved” Merida has been removed from their website. Everyone’s favorite ginger archer is going to stay as she always is. Sassy and classy.

To me this is extremely encouraging, not just at Disney but at society as a whole. I like the idea that children’s media is going beyond making emotionless drones to sell to boys and girls. This is one of the reasons I love Monster High, because unlike Barbie’s Malibu/LA plastic world each girl has their own look and personality rather than just being colored differently. Merida’s victory is a victory for all parents and children everywhere, that we won’t stand for shoddy carbon-copies any longer!

Go Merida! Keep shooting for your own hand!

-JOE

What Makes Archery So Cool?

I’ve noticed an interesting trend this year in movies. It seems that in a few of the big blockbusters they’ve had an archer running around shooting arrows into things, namely Katness Everdeen from Hunger Games, Hawkeye from Avengers and Princess Merida from Brave. Speaking as an archer myself, I want to delve a bit into why this ancient activity looks so cool on screen, and why we squeal every time we see a bow drawn.

First off, unlike guns and knives, archery requires skill to bring someone down. Say what you will, but a child can’t pick up daddy’s bow and hurt too many people. This comes up a bit in Hunger Games when one of the tributes tries firing at Katness with no luck, but this is especially illustrated in Brave during the suitor competition (This isn’t a spoiler, since this whole scene was a trailer for the film. Check it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4EZULqhP2E&feature=relmfu). The suitors, despite being “mighty warriors”, can’t get a bullseye to save their lives, and the one guy who does almost does it by accident. Princess Merida then shows up, spouts I think everyone’s favorite line from that movie “I’ll be shooting for me own hand!”, rips her dress, and systematically schools each suitor. She goes so far as to split the one bullseye’s shot in half with her own arrow! It’s a cool scene, and shows how bad to the bone she is, despite being a princess. I want to see Belle or Aurora try that!

Second, arrows are so much more useful than bullets. A bullet is good for putting holes in stuff. That’s it. Hawkeye and his fancy quiver (For those who don’t know, a quiver is where one stores arrows) could do repelling lines, smoke bombs, explosives, and a bunch of other little gadgets handy to get across long distances. And need we forget Legolas in Fellowship of the Ring, where he actually stabbed a charging Uruk Hai with an arrow in his hand before notching it and taking down another. It’s pretty tricky to take out two opponents with one bullet.

Third and final argument: A fully drawn bow just looks so chill. Anyone can pick up a gun, but not everyone can look cool doing it, but when an  archer has sights set on a target, it’s over. Game over man. Even wusses like Young Link, or people who normally aren’t supposed to look dangerous like Inara look scary with a bow. Even though it was a needless cameo and he didn’t do anything, most people remember Hawkeye’s debut in Thor just because someone was willing to shoot the God of Thunder with an arrow. And let’s be honest here, if it wasn’t for the bow, would it be just impossible to tell the difference between Arwen and Legolas?

Archery is a great hobby to take up, and even though I haven’t loosed an arrow in years, I still think fondly of when I did. It’s a skill that takes an afternoon to learn and a lifetime to master and is so worth it, because when you’re standing with a full draw on your target, for just an instant you feel like you can take on the world.

Then you let go, miss the target, swear, and try again.

-JOE