Monday, October 24, 2022

No One’s Slick like Gaston


This is a recent transcript we, the daily Yen Sid, got from one of geeks before he volunteered to follow the interviewee to a Beast’s castle to rescue an inventor’s daughter named Belle. This is his report.

Reporter: Hello Mr. Gaston, thanks for meeting with The Daily Yen Sid. I see we have the pleasure of having Mr. Lefou join us as well. We have been trying to meet you for some time now, but you’ve always declined.

Gaston: [referring to our news business] How can you read this? There’s no pictures!

Reporter: Well, if you want, we can add images of your adventures, but I must know what changed that made you request us?

Gaston: I'm afraid I've been thinking.

Lefou: A dangerous pastime?

Gaston: I know.

Reporter: Ok, what have you been thinking Mr. Gaston?

Gaston: Picture this: A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife massaging my feet, while the little ones play on the floor with the dogs.

Reporter: That sounds dreamy, but last I checked Mr. Gaston your Facebook status says you’re single. Is there something you have been hiding from the public?

Gaston: Do you know who that little wife will be? Belle. Belle is mine!

Reporter: Oh Ms. Belle, yes, I have heard about her. She is new here and she is the talk of the town. I thought she was . . .

Gaston: Here in town there's only she, who is beautiful as me! So, I'm making plans to woo and marry Belle!

Reporter: According to her last tweet, Mr. Gaston, she said, “I'm very sorry, Gaston, but I just don't deserve you!” Included in that post is a picture of her being held romantically to a hairy beast. 

Gaston: I'll have Belle for my wife! Make no mistake about that! Did you honestly think she'd want *Beast*, when she had someone like *me*?

Lefou: No one's slick as Gaston. No one's quick as Gaston. No one's neck is as incredibly thick as Gaston. For there's no man in town half as manly. Perfect, a pure paragon. You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley and they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on. No one's big like Gaston. A kingpin like Gaston. No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston.

Reporter: This is true. Mr. Gaston as a specimen is intimidating. That post must be a plea for help. Speaking of which, your fans have been dying to know how to become like you.

Gaston: When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large. And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs. So I'm roughly the size of a barge.

Reporter: Wow, that is unbelievable. In preparations to meeting you, I met one of your students from the Bikini Bottom universe and he informed us that he’d rather eats nails for breakfast without any milk than keep training with you.

Lefou: No one plots like Gaston.

Reporter: That is true, Mr. Lefou. I recently read an autobiographies from another apprentice from one of the Murata universes and he mentioned that you told him to perform 100 sit-ups, 100 push-ups, a run 10-kilometers, and then 100 squats a day. In the summer no air conditioning and in the winter no turning on the heat. He is now the strongest man in that universe. What do you have to say about that?

Gaston: It's about time you got your head out of those books and pay attention to more important things. Like me.

Reporter: Right, I am sorry Mr. Gaston. This is an interview about you, but I must know how will you separate Belle from this beast?

Gaston: If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster.

Reporter: That is not true, Mr. Gaston! I know the town is going to go to beast’s residence and rescue her. 

Gaston: Come on . . . and fight! Take whatever booty you can find, but remember, the Beast is mine!

Reporter: Alright! I will join you if I can come to your wedding.

Gaston: First I'd better go. . . and uh, propose to the girl!

That was the end of our reporter’s interview with Gaston. We haven’t heard from him since the raiding of the castle but, rest assured reader, he is with Gaston. No one hits like Gaston and matches wits like Gaston. He is probably enjoying the wedding and hasn’t reported back to The Daily Yen Sid.

Thanks for reading. See you in our next report.

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