Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Why I HATE Wolverine

He looks like he forgot what he was going to say
I know what you’re going to say: “Joe! Having a psychotic rant about why Kingdom Hearts is dead is one thing, but are you really going to go after everyone’s favorite misunderstood psychopath?” The answer is Yes, yes I am.

So as I’ve stated several times I’m a DC fan, but one part of Marvel I’ve always found fascinating was the struggle of the X-Men. I got into it mainly with the Ultimate series back in 2000 but since I’ve delved into the adventures of the students of Xavier and I’ve loved nearly everything I’ve ever read.

Everything except Wolverine.

Let me start off with this: HE TRIES TOO HARD! When he’s not in uniform (I’ll get to that in a minute) he’s a motorcycle riding cigar smoking cowboy who has a possible alcohol problem. They’ve done everything to make this guy cool from his out of place Japanese samurai piece in his backstory to the endless scenes with him breaking the fourth wall and popping his claws. I swear sometimes he sheathes them just so he can unsheathe them again when another bad guy walks up. And tell me how many times we’ve seen this: Wolverine in a bar smoking a cigar with a beer playing pool against a bunch of hicks who then make fun of his stupid haircut or how short he is and he proceeds to beat everyone in the establishment to death with his pool cue. Even the movies found an excuse to stick him in a bar (which apparently has no drinking age) and get him into a bar fight. This is the kind of behavior I would expect from Homer Simpson or Stan’s dad from South Park.

Why do his boots have ears?
As for his costume, his little super hero outfit has got to be the stupidest costume I’ve ever seen. Here’s a guy who’s all but invincible with unbreakable caws trained in stealth and covert ops and they stuck him in bright yellow with sky blue briefs. I’d buy the idea that it’d give the bad guys a target to shoot at when his X-Men teammates were around, but he showed up to the team wearing this nonsense (Granted, his origins he wears a dark orange thing but whatever). And where on Earth did he get this thing? I always see him running out of Weapon X in a diaper or less, it’s hard for me to imagine a confused and newly created Wolverine stopping off at JoAnn’s fabric for a few yards of material. Let me ask you this too, does he honestly want to be taken seriously in that mask with the ears? Batman barely pulls that off!
How much does she spend on nail polish?
They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps and I’d say that’s true in this case.

Analyzing Wolverine’s romantic interests we come across a girlfriend from his Japanese days named Yuri Cho (A name which he dramatically says every 5 seconds in the 90’s cartoon) who ends up being a psychopath with a complicated relationship with her manicurist, and Jean Grey, who not only is spoken for but is also possessed by an all-powerful evil space-bird. Seriously, why do people fight over this woman? I know I’m getting off topic, but are there really no better women on the X-Men then the space-bird woman? Anyway, for some unexplained reason Wolverine also pines for the affections of Jean Grey, despite she already being spoken for by the world’s blandest super hero, Cyclops. I know it’s supposed to add some element of drama but all it does is take away from the overall struggle the X-Men deal with, not to mention takes pages away from more interesting characters, like anyone else.

Because every man wants an insane pyro...
Besides everything else, Wolverine is just a psycho. A lot of people make a comparison between him and Batman as them both being anti-heroes, but the difference is that Batman may be a dark brooding anti-hero, but Wolverine to date has killed more minions than a decent sized natural disaster. The only reason I think he even hangs out with the good guys is because the bad guys have more minions for him to dice up. I’m sure if Magneto, Apocalypse, Mr. Sinister and that guy who keeps building the sentinels were all killed Wolverine would just turn around and slaughter his teammates next. And how does Xavier allow this guy on the team? It’s going to be pretty awkward when he’s finally awarded the Nobel Peace prize for uniting Mutants and humans and someone brings up Wolverine.

Me and my cool Canadian friend Nathan. 
Like I said in the beginning, Wolverine just tries way too hard to be liked. Instead of making a consistent character with a focused background he’s just a mess of storylines, cliché’s and useless overmasculinity.  Someone once told me he’s trying to make up for being Canadian, but I know plenty of cooler Canadians than this guy! Nathan Fillian is a cooler Canadian! Michael J. Fox is a cooler Canadian! My buddy Nate Maguire is a cooler Canadian! Wolverine is just a loser who’s overcompensating for being a short, angry, hairy man. 

1 comment:

  1. Personally, I see some appeal in Wolverine, but it is like adding a spice to EVERYTHING I see. Please, moderation in all things please!