Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs

Yeah, I'm a Scrooge.

So sue me.

You'll probably win.

Anyway, here's ten short rants on Christmas songs you probably love for some reason.

10: Christmas Shoes
In and of itself this song isn't THAT awful. The message is alright if a bit corney. A child tries to buy a new pair of shoes for his dying mother at Christmas because he wants her to look beautiful when she meets Jesus. Why is it on this list then? Two words: Hallmark movie. They actually tried to milk this for a full length film, and when I hear this song I think of that train wreck of modern cinema. Shame.

9: Feliz Navidad
This song is hated less for it's connection to Christmas but more to its structure in general. It's the same couple lines repeated ad nausea. The gimmick is that some of the lyrics say Merry Christmas in Spanish. I don't get why there's this fascination with how Christmas is celebrated in other countries, but surely we could get a Spanish lesson and some sort of a narrative at the same time.

8: Anything by the Beach Boys
Again, another general issue I have with music in general, or at least with this band: The Beach Boys. Every year these idiots crawl back onto every radio station like a zombie from its grave, and every year I switch the station. It's just song after song about being with a girl on a beach, only this time it's Christmas-over and over again. They're not even that different. I'd welcome Billy the Christmas shark who brings presents to beach bums, but we don't even get that.

7: I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
This is a note to all parents of small children: You may think it's cute to hear your kid sing, but WE DON'T. Keep them off your voicemails, your Facebook pages, and please don't get them on my radio. This song has all the talent of a poorly rehearsed Primary program.

6: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Lyrically this song's alright. It basically sounds like several Christmas cards strung together. The issue is that the tune is something akin to a funeral dirge. It's a slow ploddy song that doesn't match the lyrics at all. It's as if they're singing it sarcastically, like a teenager in the local nativity. I don't care who sings it, it's a bore to listen to.

5: Chipmunk's Christmas
First question: Why do the Chipmonks have a Christmas song? Second question, why do the Chipmonks still exist? Turning the speed on the track up to give the singers squeaky voices is cute once or twice but these things have been around for a good 50+ years and the charm has warn off long ago. Its not even a song I could get behind if we did euthanize the little rodents, because they'd probably re cut it with children, and see #7 for my opinion on that.

4: Hard Candy Christmas
This one doesn't get played that often but when it does it's still baffling to understand why. Despite the title, Hard Candy Christmas is not about Christmas. The song, originally sung by Dolly Parton, is about getting through hard times. The reference to Christmas is incidental at best. Give it a listen sometime and explain to me how it's a Christmas song.

3: White Christmas
Here's an interesting one: Make Bing Crosby sing this song and it's another Christmas dirge. Make the Beach Boys sing this song and it's a tonal nightmare, but that's not why it's here. First the concept of a white Christmas is stupid at best. I get the wanting to feel nostalgic, but hoping that a major snow storm hits at or around a major travel holiday is borderline sadistic. On top of that, fun fact, the film this song is supposed to have sprung from isn't even the original film this song is from. It's from a delightful, arguably better if racially insensitive, film called Holiday Inn. Give credit where credit is due.

2: Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
THERE IS NOTHING RESEMBLING ROCK ASSOCIATED WITH THIS SONG. This song sounds like someone's aunt was convinced to do karaoke. It's a boring song missing the beat, instruments and heart that any sort of rock would have. This song is a lie.

1: We Need a Little Christmas
This song is abysmal. It's about dragging out all the Christms stuff to make it feel like Christmas as soon as possible because we need it to feel like Christmas right now. Some selfish brat wants to bust open everything and destroy the house because she needs to be cheered up? Calm down, watch Frozen, and leave the Christmas stuff in storage where it belongs.

What Christmas songs can you not stand?


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